Happy Family (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
There are times in most relationships that you feel the stress and feel that you need to be creating miracles, or at least find relationship help, to be able to cope. Although there are many services that you can turn to for relationship help, what are the inner resources that you already possess which you have available? How do you find the inner strength to make the decisions and take the actions needed to live more effectively?
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Creating Miracles: New Perspectives On Old Relationships
By Ivan Kelly
Marion complained about an emotionally abusive husband. He rarely had a kind word for her or the children; was short-tempered and frequently yelled about having to put up with an ungrateful wife and kids. He contributed the barest minimum to food and mortgage, yet always had plenty of cash for alcohol and cigarettes. She knew he’d been unfaithful in the past but has been willing to forgive for the sake of keeping the family together.
Janice was a single parent who had three children living with her. It was financially necessary for her to work during the day but, as two of the children were teenagers (a boy, 13 yrs and a girl, 16 yrs), she was able to juggle the needs of work and family fairly well. However, she became concerned about the growing lack of respect she received from the older two children. They were openly skeptical and even mocking about any advice or guidance she offered.
Barbara was a talented author who wrote a revealing book, extensively researched, that contained many illuminating truths which, if accepted, would cause a fundamental shift in our perceptions and the way we lead our lives. The book warns that this knowledge has been suppressed for centuries by vested interests and it solidly denounces those who have sought to prevent the truth from being known to the public at large. Few copies of the book are sold.
Those are not scenes taken from a Jerry Springer Show. They do have something in common which we’ll look at a little later. At this stage, readers are probably squirming and thinking that the “secret” to be revealed here is probably about visualizing goals and lots of affirmations. It isn’t.
You’ll have to read further for relationship help of a different kind. Creating miracles in your life is something open to us all.
For those of a religious or spiritual bent who believe it’s enough to pray and hope for the best and that “God will provide”, listen closely: it isn’t enough – you have to learn HOW to ask!
Learning how to ask is not simply a requirement of those who might be considered religious; it is of benefit to anyone hoping for a better life, a better job, better relationships, or even simply wanting improvement in those many situations which provide daily irritation.
In earlier days (that is, ancient times), asking involved sacrifices of lambs, chickens and various other beasts, and sometimes humans. Virgins were especially prized as sacrificial offerings. This was usually accompanied by declarations of humility and much praise about the worthiness and benevolence of the recipient God.
The Gods of those times apparently were considered to possess a number of human failings which could be appealed to with displays of subservience, socially acceptable bribes and flattery.
As we’ve become more civilized, a number of these rituals have been found to be unnecessary. It’s probably safe to say that, in recent years, there has been little call for virgin sacrifice, though others may view this differently.
Yes, the secret lies in learning how to ask and realizing that, in order to move towards those things we want, we have to prepare the way so that fresh paths will appear and we can approach what we desire. If the way ahead is blocked we’ll be unable to see those paths, even though they are so close.
And, yes, sacrifice will be required but sundry animals and virgins are safe. The secret involves removing the blockage, the impediment to our progress, and the sacrifice is a psychological one which removes obstruction so that we can see more clearly.
Many are spending hours with focused attention to their goals, meditate till they can hardly stand, and bathe in tubs full of affirmations yet still find progress to be slow. They are well focused on the future while they cling to the present! If you try to lug present difficulties into a happier future, it doesn’t work. You have to let them go and when you do you’ll immediately sense the relief as the load is lifted and your journey forward becomes easier.
The blockage involves a perspective of your present conditions. How you see the present is prompting an emotional response which fixates your attention on the present difficulty.
In the first scene at the beginning of this section, the woman clearly has an insensitive, ungrateful and even “unworthy” husband. Many would share that opinion. He is also a skilled handyman who has carried out a lot of repairs on their house; lost his job a few months ago but never stops trying to find work; and he never fails to take the children to their weekend sporting events.
The second scene depicts children who are becoming increasingly rebellious and disrespectful. They also work part-time jobs to earn pocket money; never forget their mother’s birthday or on Mother’s Day; take care of their little brother while their mother is at work; and help an elderly neighbor who is too frail to mow her lawn.
In the third scene, the author was angry towards institutions which had for centuries prevented socially useful truths from being known. This anger was expressed throughout the book as many of their failings were revealed. The institutions also carry out many benevolent works and have funded schools, hospitals, universities, medical research and more.
Do you notice that, when we relate to people through their strengths (positive aspects) rather than their failings, we not only see them differently but we respond differently. How many in relationship counseling can readily cite their partner’s failings but struggle to recall their strengths and skills?
Being angry or resentful about present (and past) conditions keeps us anchored there. By learning to view the present from a different perspective we are able to see new paths that previously were obscured. It is like climbing a hill or a tree and being able to see further.
In particular, feeling angry about what we see as the failings of others keeps us alert to their ‘flaws’ and the focus of our attention is narrowed, making it difficult to see positive attributes and many available opportunities. Anger is also a sign of resistance to ‘what is’ and this resistance is experienced by us as stress. Prolonged stress can undermine our health.
Moreover, when we are focused on failings we feel impelled to restore a sense of harmony by alerting others to what we see as their shortcomings, usually given as ‘honest feedback’ that they need to know. Honest feedback is greatly overrated. Yes, I know that statement will greatly shock graduates of numerous communications workshops, so I’ll state it again: when bringing attention to the failings of another, offering honest feedback is greatly overrated. It is very often presumptuous, manipulative and harmful.
Attempts to influence the thoughts of another – control how they think – though well-intended, are often misplaced and usually futile.
They also cause the person we are trying to help to focus more on what they don’t want – their failings. When we relate to them through their strengths and skills, they can experience first hand what that feels like and learn from our example. It also builds trust and self-empowerment.
By demonstrating an awareness of their capabilities we help them shift attention towards the things they really want and to feel at peace with who they are; in particular, aspects of themselves they may not especially like.
They are then more able to let go of those unwanted aspects as they pay more attention to their expanding strengths.
It’s very easy to have a narrow vision of the world – and of others – and to see only failings, flaws, disasters and distress. Our world comes alive and we quickly see new possibilities when we are able to broaden our perspective and take in also the talents, skills, strengths, potential, beauty and wonders of the world and of those around us.
For every half empty glass, there is also one that is half full.
When we can habitually see the half full ones – though at first glance they appeared half empty – then we can make a positive difference to our lives.
Sometimes people struggle with “forgiveness” but it can be a lot easier when we remember that we are looking for the Broader Perspective. That is, it’s not about denying hurts or pains that we have suffered but learning to look beyond them and to appreciate the skills and strengths others possess which have faded in our awareness.
When we see only what disturbs us, that is what we respond to; our focus of attention is on those things we don’t want and don’t like and this limits the options that we can see – in effect, what is available to us.
When we consider the Broader Perspective in how we relate to others, and include an appreciation of their strengths and skills, the better feelings we experience enable us to consider options that otherwise would have gone unnoticed, and to attract experiences that otherwise would have passed us by.
When we look at difficult situations from a Broader Perspective, and can see beyond those aspects that evoke a traumatic response to include elements which arouse appreciation and, possibly, admiration, the inner peace THAT brings will also open our awareness to new possibilities to improve our lot – opportunities now accessible to us.
A few conclusions:
1. Make peace with the present so that you are comfortable even with seemingly intolerable conditions. When you feel good about where you are, new paths will present themselves. Try it, you’ll see. Look for the positive aspects of your present life: for those random acts of kindness; the goodwill that people express; the efforts that people make to help others; offers of generosity and support. Pay more attention to these and other positive aspects and let them feature more in your ongoing awareness. To gain more, feel good now!
2. Habitually see people – and relate to them – through their strengths and skills. If you continue to draw attention to perceived failings, they remain conscious of these – and so do you.
3. When you’re feeling anger, pause and consider how you can approach the situation through the strengths and skills of those who’ve provoked you. Rather than getting caught up in negative emotions, you can defuse a situation and move ahead by acknowledging that you recognize the strengths and skills of the other person, who will then feel less threatened and defensive – a position where they are more willing to listen to your viewpoint.
4. Recognizing goals is actually the easy part. Anyone with problems is aware that they want something different. When you learn to feel OK with where you are right now; it makes it easier to let go and move on to matters more important to you. Also, since you can’t change the present, there’s no point in resisting and struggling against what you are receiving.
So, relax and let the stress go. You’ll not only feel better but your mind will be less concerned about things you can’t change, making it easier for you to pay more attention to those things you do want and the opportunities that appear.
For a beautiful future, make peace with the present, where you are at this time. Ask for what you want in peace, not fury or desperation. Feeling good now frees you to move ahead. There is relationship help close by and creating miracles is not beyond those who will start within.
